Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
