..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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