genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
