I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
