can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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