If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
