He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
