So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
