Your face is a jimmy john
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
