there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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