My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
