i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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