On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
