he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
