peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
