I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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