Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
