but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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