i love accidental penises.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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