I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
