Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
