Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
