I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
