my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
