Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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