I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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