your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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