so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
