She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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