New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
