you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
