dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
