I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
