so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
