you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
