This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
