According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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