I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
