Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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