so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
