he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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