you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He did a backflip because drugs
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
