I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
