I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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