The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
