I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
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