my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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