dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
