Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
