Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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